I completely forgot about my last post. I really thought my last post was a reflection of my Ironman failure. I find this very interesting. I came back to this blog to focus on my next training adventure, on this, the Friday night before the Sunday race of the next Ironman in Tempe. I wanted to talk about my potential next adventure. Other shit takes the place though. . .
Interesting turn of events. Lil ole woe is me. I am not acknowledged at work for knowing more than the newbies. Woe is me. Or working more/harder than anyone in my department. I now have a new role at work. People still talk shit. It doesn't matter. Who will they believe? The one who has dealt with the shit yet still tries to move up in the organization? Or the new one who has a 'great attitude?' F that shit. Tell the higher ups what they want to hear. I get shit done. Students graduate. Students are happy. I tell my coworkers what it is and like it is. It is no secret that the "new" team is not as invested as the "old" team. They come to work at 10 am and leave at 6. I arrive at 7 and leave when the work is as done as it can be for the day. It's for the students. They have no commitment to the organization. That was clear from the beginning. Who gets a merit increase? Not me. . . The ones who put in minimal time and effort do. Awesome.
I have a lot of things to feel down about in October and November. The anniversary of the Ironman failure of 2011; the failure of the 'relationship' of 2009; job failures; more race failures; more boyfriend failures-the list goes on.
I really hate October/November.More on this later. I'm too annoyed to deal with it now.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
Priorities
Tonight I am working on my employee evaluation. Again. This is a particularly interesting year since I have had four supervisors and have about 15 different jobs I've performed in the past 14 months that this evaluation covers.
How do I summarize how I've "met/exceeded" the "core areas" that my employer has defined in these circumstances. And why do I even bother? Does the rating even count? If I get a piece of that pie, does a 1.5% pay raise even matter? Sure I'm bitter, sure I'm angry. Every twist and turn of my employment has included "this policy applies to you negatively but no one else." From initial evaluation ratings to stupid things like flex time permissions.
I try every day not to think about it and just enjoy the parts of my job that I love. But, I allow the other bitter and angry folks in the unit in and they pollute my experience. Is it ok? No, but I don't know how to stop it. (I am open to suggestions. :) ) At the end of the year, IF I get a raise, I know others in the unit who have contributed much less but complain much louder and more often than me will get a bigger percentage of the "pie." And what do I do about it. Huff and puff on the inside but continue to slave a way year after year. I think, "next year it will be different." Well, here we are. It's next year. Will it be different? New leadership team? Will it be the same ole shit? History tells me yes. But how do I instigate change?
A better question is why do I let it get to me? What taught me to be like this? My Dad worked the same job for 42 years. His promotions included more vacation time. I don't necessarily have the example set for me that include exceed expectations=promotion. Dedication to the organization worked for him. At least he got more vacation time. I just seem to accumulate guilt. There is no appreciation for dedication or provided stability.
I want to progress. I want to manage. How do I get there? I ask these questions of my organization but there are no answers. I get the feeling recently that they tell me what they think I want to hear. Sure I want to hear that! Maybe this is a red flag. Maybe they don't want me. That's fine. Just tell me that. I'll move on. Be honest with me. Why waste our time? Oh wait, I'm a probably the most productive person on the team with the broadest spectrum of knowledge. That's why. I'm out of the country for two weeks and still have 10 hours of work per day while I'm away. Ten hours of work that I complete while I am abroad. There is no "you can do it without me." Yet, who is the lowest on the totem pole? Rhetorical question.
How can I make me happy? Will work "work" for me? A few weeks ago I placed 3rd in my age group for a local super-sprint triathlon. What would happen if I funneled a bit of my extra work time into my racing? Could I do better or would it be more heart break? I sit here typing next my sweet little punkin dog who was just diagnosed with cancer last week. He just wants to sit next to me as I type this because he is too tired to play any longer (I mean it is 1 am. . . way past his bedtime.). Anyway, is that extra email at work worth the extra few minutes to sacrifice the time with my lil dog? I watch mushy Hallmark Channel romance movies. Ain't no one have time for that lifestyle in my line of work. Work rules all my time.
What is the payoff? I genuinely enjoy what I do for work. But I work too many hours. And way more hours than my teammates. I'm not spending time doing what I need to do in my personal life. How do I find that balance?
Sigh. What am I supposed to do?
How do I summarize how I've "met/exceeded" the "core areas" that my employer has defined in these circumstances. And why do I even bother? Does the rating even count? If I get a piece of that pie, does a 1.5% pay raise even matter? Sure I'm bitter, sure I'm angry. Every twist and turn of my employment has included "this policy applies to you negatively but no one else." From initial evaluation ratings to stupid things like flex time permissions.
I try every day not to think about it and just enjoy the parts of my job that I love. But, I allow the other bitter and angry folks in the unit in and they pollute my experience. Is it ok? No, but I don't know how to stop it. (I am open to suggestions. :) ) At the end of the year, IF I get a raise, I know others in the unit who have contributed much less but complain much louder and more often than me will get a bigger percentage of the "pie." And what do I do about it. Huff and puff on the inside but continue to slave a way year after year. I think, "next year it will be different." Well, here we are. It's next year. Will it be different? New leadership team? Will it be the same ole shit? History tells me yes. But how do I instigate change?
A better question is why do I let it get to me? What taught me to be like this? My Dad worked the same job for 42 years. His promotions included more vacation time. I don't necessarily have the example set for me that include exceed expectations=promotion. Dedication to the organization worked for him. At least he got more vacation time. I just seem to accumulate guilt. There is no appreciation for dedication or provided stability.
I want to progress. I want to manage. How do I get there? I ask these questions of my organization but there are no answers. I get the feeling recently that they tell me what they think I want to hear. Sure I want to hear that! Maybe this is a red flag. Maybe they don't want me. That's fine. Just tell me that. I'll move on. Be honest with me. Why waste our time? Oh wait, I'm a probably the most productive person on the team with the broadest spectrum of knowledge. That's why. I'm out of the country for two weeks and still have 10 hours of work per day while I'm away. Ten hours of work that I complete while I am abroad. There is no "you can do it without me." Yet, who is the lowest on the totem pole? Rhetorical question.
How can I make me happy? Will work "work" for me? A few weeks ago I placed 3rd in my age group for a local super-sprint triathlon. What would happen if I funneled a bit of my extra work time into my racing? Could I do better or would it be more heart break? I sit here typing next my sweet little punkin dog who was just diagnosed with cancer last week. He just wants to sit next to me as I type this because he is too tired to play any longer (I mean it is 1 am. . . way past his bedtime.). Anyway, is that extra email at work worth the extra few minutes to sacrifice the time with my lil dog? I watch mushy Hallmark Channel romance movies. Ain't no one have time for that lifestyle in my line of work. Work rules all my time.
What is the payoff? I genuinely enjoy what I do for work. But I work too many hours. And way more hours than my teammates. I'm not spending time doing what I need to do in my personal life. How do I find that balance?
Sigh. What am I supposed to do?
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