Ghosts

Tonight, I can hear the Ironman announcer from my house. He calls names and the words “you are an Ironman.” The phrase still haunts me. The phrase used to motivate me. Now it makes me want to eat. Or drink. Or both. I was going to swing by TTL today to watch a few moments of the race. Instead, I’ve organized my closet, organized my recipe collection, caught up on some DVR. My life has been full of “I was going tos” the past two years. 

I was going to air up the tires and take the road bike for a spin.  I was going to hop back in the pool. I was going to stop eating after the first serving. I was going to train for all of those races: the ultra ragnar, the marathons, the 50k, the half marathons.

Instead I’ve made excuses. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. My knees/feet/hips/shoulders hurt. I’m tired. I’m busy. It doesn’t taste good reheated. Work is too demanding. The couch needs some TLC. 

The funny part about the whole story is that I was able to finish all of those races. Not fast mind you, but I finished. I finished that 50k trail run after maybe running 20 miles total through the summer prior to the race. This has not helped my motivation. I can bust my ass for years prior to one race and I can’t even get 2 miles through. I can sit on my butt, watch TV and eat too much and still finish a 50k with a smile. 

I remember one of the ladies who also did not make the swim cut off. She was yapping about how she didn’t even train for that Ironman so she wasn’t surprised. Somehow that is the part of the race that ‘stuck’ with me these past two years. If I don’t train, I won’t get hurt (emotionally, of course it’s dangerous to run these ridiculous distances with no training.). If I don’t train and I don’t finish, it’s my fault for not training. I have a reason. There is a clear reason I didn’t finish that race. The whole, it just wasn’t my day’ thing still burns. 

I have a tremendous group of friends, colleagues, family who supported me while I was MIA during training and who have continued to support me as I eat every emotion on the planet since my epic failure. They continue to ask me to be on their running teams and participate in races with them. They ask what crazy race I’m doing next. At some friends’ wedding, I even sat at the “running” table a couple of weeks ago. Even after running marathon #5 this year, I still don’t feel I’m a “runner.” My friends push me when I thought I couldn’t be pushed. They believe in me more than I believe in myself.

Thank you for putting up with me and my Ironman ghosts. It’s time to get healthy. It’s time to live up to the potential they see in me. I will train for that next race. I will get back on the bike. I will get back in the pool. I will earn those happy hour cocktails.